-Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who've brought happiness and peace into people's lives? -Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king

Teacher:
- What is the different between problem and challenge????
Student:
- 3 boys + 1 girl = problem; 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge..

How to make a woman happy you need to be

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a...

You should just wear a condom on your head, because if you are going to act like a dick, you might as well dress like one

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.

Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did'.

   1. Adjust the tint on your TV surface.
   2. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
   3. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
   4. Ask 800 operators for dates.
   5. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
   6. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust:  "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said: "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

The USA have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash.
We have – Valdis Zatlers, No Wonder, No Hope, No Cash..

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes,...

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and...

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.
 

Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
 

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and
pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

How do you change a blonde's mind?

     Buy her another beer.

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde
thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to...

Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,
how do you get out?

Stop imagining!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. Actually, only one to screw it in.
The other 3 are there to listen to him
brag about the screwing part!

What does pizza delivery man and
a gynaecologist have in common?

Both can smell it but can't eat it

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
 

A husband shows his wife  a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.

A man walked into a  bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The...

A cowboy rode into town  and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.

Q: What do you have  when a lawyer's buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

A blonde wanted to sell  her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem.  But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told...

An airline captain was helping  a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?

One less drunk.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a good year.

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I
had to force him, but he ate...

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She...

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the
one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said,
"No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

How can you identify an blind pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from
work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette
asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was
trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your
neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
'Hey y'all... Watch this!'

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied,...

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the
blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds
"The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."
 

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It’s nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, ‘I wanna watch’

I’m not an alcoholic; I’m just freelance quality assurance for the beer industry

What's the object of a Jewish football game?
To get the quarter back!

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120
cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150,
you'll get a 25% discount !" The nuns look at each other, and after a
prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?"

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and
in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
cockeyed."

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time 

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

A man calls his family doctor:
man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.
doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help
man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's...

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
   who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
   weeks leave in which to get married.
  
   "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
   married then ?"
  ...

  Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had
   worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he
   graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be
   married soon.
  
   She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
   scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
   To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
   Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
   "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
   "No,"...                                

Question:   What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Answer:   "Are you sure it's mine?"

Seminars for Men

COURSE 001      Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002      You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003      PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004      How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005      We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings...

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?"  The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's...

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little 
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't 
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to 
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you...                                

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and...

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman\'s electronic hair dryer for my Mother\'s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I\'m afraid they\'ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could...

Little Johnny\'s father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don\'t want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the \'there\'s no Santa\' speech. At age seven I got the \'there\'s no Easter bunny\' speech. Then at age 8 you...

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman\'s home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. "Oh, no, it\'s my husband!"
The man says, "Where\'s your back door?"
"We don\'t have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

Mama goes shopping and scrutinizes everything. Here is how her shopping went..
Mama: "I don\'t like the looks of this whitefish."
Merchant: "Lady, for looks you don\'t buy whitefish; you buy goldfish."
Mama: "Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg."
Merchant: "Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?"
Mama: "And...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don\'t you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week\'s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
 

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says, "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".
The vet says to the man, "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!"

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I\'m going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I\'m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts...

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?
Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you\'ll find that it\'s reasonably in line with government predictions.
Physicist: I won\'t tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.
Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;  George, dig her...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What\'ll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying,
"No one needs meat today."

A stranger was  seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to  the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to  discuss?"

Stress-Relieving Prayer
Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the ass That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."
"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There\'s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he\'s doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once...

An elderly couple walk into a doctor\'s office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies, "At your age I don\'t think it\'s possible, but I\'ll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."
So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of this."

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
"Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren\'t getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren\'t throwing the dog up high enough."

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?"...

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"...

Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey\'s on fire."

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again...

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England\'s finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said...

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!
 

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look...

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"
After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,...

A boasting American said to O\'Connor, back in the States we can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks. O\'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to...

When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
"Have you seen a doctor about that cold?" he asked.
"No," said Mike, "But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?"
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and...

What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
 

One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk". The bartender, naturally, accepts. All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him in a back ally (kissing) a french...

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days."
And Moses says, "Yeah sure."
So Jesus gets up and says "I think I\'ll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags...

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what\'s going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?
The man smiles at him, winks and says "I\'m trying to get my date drunk."

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me...

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that...

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what\'s going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I\'m trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I...

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,
"Do you have pigs ears?"
The counter assistant replies,
"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"
 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will...

Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate...

This guy walks into a psychiatrist\'s office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I\'m worried. It\'s that dream. I\'m having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I\'m into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating...

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you\'ve bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and...

Q. What's an Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and...

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me."
 

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone\'s weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He\'s standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde,...

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don\'t let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I\'ll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the...

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's...

Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?
Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy.  Did the noise disturb you?
Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise.  It was the silence.

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."
Man, "Say...

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What\'s this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that\'s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up...

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.  The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
 

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. They spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. After the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. Eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up.
The second...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of...

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I\'m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"
The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free...

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water...

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc....

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I\'m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don\'t you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How\'s that working?"
Blonde:...

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist.
"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.
To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."
 

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord\'s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again...

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What\'s the problem, Carol? I hope it\'s not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you\'re right, that wasn\'t a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I\'ll let you just unfold...

The clerk showed the man the store\'s most expensive perfume.
"This is called \'Perhaps\'," said the sales clerk. "It\'s $285 per ounce."
"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don\'t want something called \'Perhaps\'; I want something called..."
"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You\'ll Get Some !!"

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying...

God Speaks
Here\'s a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome ... enjoy!
Tell the kids I love them. - God
Let\'s meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God
C\'mon over and bring the kids. - God
What part...

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided...

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.  One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence.  The Minister continued,"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a...

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her Question was: \'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear it?\'
She thought for a time and then asked, \'Is it on or off?\'

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said,...

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven\'t made you feel uncomfortable - it\'s just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that\'s ok," he said.
"I...

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks,...

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they...

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
 

Q:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A:  We both do.
Q:  Voodoo?
A:  We do.
Q:  You do?
A:  Yes, voodoo.

Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it\'s still going."

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn\'t maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean\'s office, followed by one of his star players. "You can\'t keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won\'t win this weekend without him!"
"I...

Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.
Immediately when they came alive, they...

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This...

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won\'t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" he asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What\'s that mean?"
"You\'re not hard, you\'re not in, and you\'re not getting your money back."

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor.
"Why?"  asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"
"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. "Why...

A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between...

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn\'t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?"
I said, "Fire and theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it\'s burning down.

A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. "Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist. "As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replied, "What,...

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let\'s see what you\'ve got."...

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I\'m Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show....

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the...

Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said "I bet you fifty bucks he\'s going to jump off, what do you say?"
The Blonde said "Sure,"
They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says "Good job,"
The...

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies,...

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don\'t worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there\'s no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No...

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse\'s back and fell off the other...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more...

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes! The guest, asked...

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a  typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward...

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge.
"Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn\'t think she was dead....I thought she was an American."

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we\'ve been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don\'t want you to try to talk me out of it because I\'ve been having an affair...

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on shore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.  As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.  But, he cautions her that...

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
The second one says, "This one does!"

“I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
 

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is
really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
 

A husband from Long Island, kissed his wife goodbye and got into his Cadillac to drive to work in New York City. He\'d gone about a mile whenhe remembered that he\'d left something in the bedroom. So he turned the
car around and drove back home. When he walked into the bedroom, there was his wife, lying totally nude on
the bed and the neighbor standing totally nude beside her. The...

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How \'bout if I drag her...

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all,...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's...

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, "Fifty-five at least."
Woman Driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It\'s this hat that makes me look so old."

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor....

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control
their wives.
After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one...

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I\'m sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot."
The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the...

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door: “Congratulations! You\'ve won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left!”
You look left and it reads: “Look Right!”.
You look right and it reads: “Look Left!”...

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall...

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What\'s your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name\'s Huey and I\'m having a great day going in and out of puddles." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What\'s your name?" The dog replies "My name\'s Duey and I\'m having a great day going in and out of puddles."...

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I\'m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: “Hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss.”
The sailor says: “Yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.”

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad. His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000. He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the...